From Caterpillar to Butterfly: Opinions, Burnout & Growing Through Change

Maybe you don't like my change and that's okay. Maybe I'm growing, right? Like, is it the bug's life when it's the caterpillar and it's. Then it turns into the metamorphosis butterfly and was like, I'm a pretty butterfly. Like, you change, that's what you're supposed to do, and it's okay. So their opinions do not matter. Right. The burnout, that's a phase. And as long as you continue to work on yourself, you're going to grow. All of this is part of the journey, and it's just making sure you stay true to who you are, true to your true, authentic self, and don't veer away from who you are. Welcome to the Leading Lane Podcast for Real Estate Pros by Real Estate Pros, with your hosts, Ashley Frederick and Steven Burch. If you're looking for an honest, authentic, and raw perspective, you found it. Welcome to the Leading Lane Podcast. Today we got some good topics, so we'll see where the conversation goes. The first one to open us up is everybody has an opinion. Just like everybody has a. What, Ashley? Belly button. A belly button, of course. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say, too. Everybody has an opinion, and it's quite funny how those opinions differ very quickly. And I don't know, it's. It's just a wild time right now. And I'm not trying to be negative. I'm trying to make a very positive outcome on this. So how do you handle so many different opinions, so many different judgmental things, and that from one spectrum to the other, about the same freaking topic? So how do you handle that? Comes a time. Right. So it's actually really funny that you bring this up. I sit on a board and we're interviewing for the executive director position, and that person was talking about their current role and how they feel like they're on a firing squad all the time and that you have to grow thick skin overnight. And then I like jokingly said that people say that I have a turtle shell. And I tell people that that did not happen overnight. Right. I used to take all those things personally. I used to take them to heart. I used to try to figure out how I could make them different or appease people. And it. I think it comes with time that it's more or less that's on them, it's not on you. We don't know what they're going through. Right. I think that's another thing, is a lot of times people's Comments are reflective of what's going on in their own life. Or there's jealousy, or there's, you know, different things that tie into why people say things. But, you know, I think it's funny, we've talked before in the past about people will say something about my, you know, resting face and then the next person will be like, sorry, I almost watched a car accident. People will then say like, I've never seen that. I, I don't think that, like you're the sweetest person ever, right? Or people be like, she's the ultimate bitch. Then people be like, no, she's just standing up for what she believes in, right? So all those opinions are, are those for people to have, but it's not for me to change who I am or change the way that I do business or the things that I do outside of the office. So I think it's, you know, I think that there's still part of it that maybe stings over time or I think maybe just gets under my skin of like, why does someone think that they're entitled to have that opinion when it's not true? I think is probably something that's frustrating to me. But I do really think that you have to be confident enough in yourself and confident enough in your long term goals, your short term girls to know that like, those people don't matter. And it's really just your maybe five closest people that, you know, they start to be like, hey, you're a little off or something. Seems strange, but someone that you haven't seen in, you know, eight months comes along and tells you what they think, like, do they really have a pulse of what your life is, is like today? So for me, I think it's just, it comes with time, but it's also maybe having the right people around that if someone does say something like that to you, you know, you could say like, hey, someone said this to me today. And that person will be like, yeah, no, like, not worth your time. Time. But yeah, tell me how you deal with it. You know, I think a lot like you over time because I definitely took everything so personally, so to heart. And it was almost like I had to be a chameleon of who I was around and based off of their opinions of, you know, to make sure that I wasn't getting that rejection or whatever negativity that they were, you know, throwing my way. And really what it was doing is like I was not being my true authentic self because I was trying to appease and adhere to their standard or what and really they had low standards for themselves. And so they were trying to bring me down to their standards, in my opinion. And so really it was. I. Now I listen, right? Like I'm trying to listen to understand versus listening just to react. Before I would, you know, react very quickly or get defensive. It still stings, can't lie. But I try to process it. Like, where are they coming from on that? Like, is, am I, am I missing something? Do I have my blinders on? And you know, I called you, I call you on multiple different situations until you like, am I thinking of this wrong? Or maybe I'm, you know, indifference. I do agree it's the people that you surround yourself by. But you also have to understand that. Let them, right? Like I, that's. I literally have that tattooed on my middle finger for a reason. Let them. And the, the whole second part to that book is then let me, let me do what I need to be able to do. They can have their opinion. And I agree also is that the deflections that they have. I think a lot of people state and vocalize their opinions to you on a negative manner because of whatever they have going on in their personal life that they're trying to deflect from their own personal and try to bring you down or match where what they're feeling. And that's not fair. But it's tough because also we, we work in this industry where we deal with a lot of people, a lot of very opinionated individuals as well. And so we do a lot of different ventures. So it's not just like, it's just a little, you know, shade thrown here or there. Like it feels like it's a constant battle. So it is. You have to have this armor, you do have this thick skin. But it's not a to where I'm going to turtle up anymore and go into my shell. It's more so a body suit armor. And I am standing tall of who I am. And I don't really care what they have to say anymore. It is what it is. Let them. You know, I think like I've also turned it into. It's their loss, it's not mine. Like, I know what I do for people. I know that I help people. I know that I'm a resource for people. And I think you and I both, you know, we get phone calls all the time when people are stuck or people just need to vent and that comes over time. But also then like those people that can't see that, like they're missing out on Someone that would be there to support them. And you know, you said too like that you'll call or text message and you know, like, sometimes I'll be like, maybe we shouldn't do that. Or did you think about it this way? But right. You still have to have the ability to just vent to someone and get it all out. And then normally when you get it all, you're like, okay, fine, probably wasn't, you know, worth it. But you have to have the right people in that. But you know, in these, like, public roles, when it's either, I think like real estate is for sure, right? Like your picture is everywhere, billboards, people's front yards, you know, ads, etc, so we talk about it in the past, but like, you always have to be on. But I do feel like when you're in those roles, like, it's just that much more of a target for people to just pick and choose to have conversations or whatnot. And a lot of times aren't true. I mean, sometimes I laugh about the things that I hear about myself. Like, I'll just be like, I mean, I wish that were true, but not the case. Right? Or wouldn't that be nice? So I think that again, you just have to remember that those people aren't worth it. And the people that choose to entertain, whatever that they might be saying, they're not worth it either. I always do think it's funny sometimes when someone comes along and like, you'll meet them and it'll be a great transaction and then they'll be like, God, you know, I heard that you were like the biggest in the world and you're not at all. And I'm like, oh, that's why you don't judge a book by its cover. So, you know, here recently I've been working with more and more clients and, and talking to them and I, I found myself being way more open about what the maybe negative things that people would say of like, look, I am a bulldog. When I get to negotiations, can I be an. Yes, I can. But it's not who you want to protect your bottom line. It's not what you want to protect. Make sure that you have a leader that is there to protect you. And when I put it in that position, people like, well, yeah, that's exactly what it is. I really, I'm not an all the freaking time. I'm not a bulldog all the time. But you know, if you want to bark, like, let's bark. Let's, let's do it. Um, but yeah, people are. And You're. They're never gonna win every single person over, and that's not my goal, because if I'm not gonna. I mean, those aren't my people. Those are not the people that I want to surround myself with, and that's okay. And I'm okay with that. I've learned one of the titles that we did for the podcast is Four Quarters Over a Hundred Pennies. That's exactly the way that it should be. You get the quality over the quantity for sure. Well, and I think that, you know, like, there comes a time. Again, comes with time. That there's, like, just an ability, and maybe it's not the best trait, but, like, I just cut people. Like, I'm, like, we're done. Like, I don't have the need to try to appease someone or try to make someone support me or. Or be friends or whatnot. Like, there are just people that don't deserve the time and effort that you give. And that came with time, too. Right. And it's strange because you used to spend all this time with people, and then you realize that you've outgrown them. And, you know, or. I mean, I'm in my 40s. Like, things happen, and I think we're more grateful. I'm more grateful for the people that are in my life and the opportunities that I have and being surrounded by, like, the negativity or people that are always happy. Like, well, that's not for me anymore. Like, you know, I think, too, like, you can see people that are, like, stuck and, like, where they're at. Right. Like, they probably don't have good support at home or whatever that might be. And I think we've been able to help some people out of that, but there are some people you're just never going to be able to help. And when they're a dead weight, as bad as that sounds, like sometimes you have to cut dead weight in order to keep on moving forward. Yeah. If it doesn't serve you, doesn't serve your purpose, if it doesn't align with who you are and what your mission, what your morals, ethics are, like, absolutely not. Like, you have to be the protector of that. That's not gonna say that you're not still cordial to those people. Right. It's just that's not where you're filling your extra time with. And, you know, and. And I look at it in this world, too, like, politics is the easiest thing to be able to look at in this. It's a. I don't care what your Political affiliation is. I do not care at all. I don't like the way that either party is. Is doing anything right now as leaders. Right. But there's people that have this. I don't know, it's almost like a poison. It's like daggers out for. And it goes from both sides. And that's not okay. It's okay to have different defenses. Not at all. Like, you can have difference of opinions. That's from me to you to whomever out there. I have different opinions and how I think things should be ran for the party that I'm affiliated with. Right. And so it does not matter then. I think that, like, these stigmas, these things that people are trying to fit inside of a box and judge you off of this box that you're in. I don't care political or office that you're affiliated with or whatever else. Like, it's okay to like. I want to learn from people that have different views from me. I want to learn from other people that know things differently than I do or see things differently than I do, because that makes me a better human. That makes me a better leader. That makes me overall better because I'm not just sitting around people that are thinking the same exact way and going the same complacency way that I've all or they have always been going. I can't stand that. It drives me flipping nuts. So with that. Right. I think that that can lead to some burnout when you're dealing with emotions all the time. You know, I think that in. In the real estate world, things are changing. I think that, you know, our market's different. It's not that it's not still active, but it's different. People are. This is probably the most price reductions I've seen in a very long time. It's the most negotiating I've seen in a long time. It's the most inspection, repair requests I've seen in a long time. You know, and it is interesting because there are agents that started in the last five years that haven't seen this. So for them, I think it's a whole nother. Like what? Like, I don't know how to do price reduction or what does that mean? Or how much you reduce the buyer. What do you mean? They're asking for a new roof. Like, right. They have to deal with this. They haven't. So it's. There's part of burnout. But I think that with like, the politics and everything else, I think there is a general consensus of burnout. I feel like across the board, it doesn't matter what industry you're in. Do I feel like maybe more so in this industry? A little bit. You know, any type of service industry, I think is. Is the case. You know, we're on call 24 7, 365 days a year, right? People can call you at 9. Last week I had someone text me at 8:30 and asked if we could look at a property that night. And I was like, no, not happening. So I think that, like, when we come to burnout, there's so many things that are behind it. It's between people saying stupid stuff, it's between transactions going south. It's between misunderstandings. Like, how do you deal with starting to feel like you're burnt out? I feel this, like, anxiety, this pressure. And I know that I can really tell in the way that my attitude is towards other people. And it's almost like an algorithm, right? Like a real life algorithm that is happening. Like, whatever I am feeding and feeding, like good, bad, then that is what I'm seeing and receiving, right? And so I think that it's almost like this chin check that I have to do with myself of like, is it really that bad? Is it really? What is the worst thing that's happening right now? Somebody you know is being a bully. Okay, cool. Like, that's all right. That's fine, right? Let them. So I think it's really just getting down of understanding, like, the purpose. And I think the best example that I can tell you, like, Ryan and I went to dinner a couple weeks ago and we're sitting there and this older gentleman, you know, look across the bar and you can tell, like, he kept on looking at me and I was like, what is this guy doing? Like, I don't need a sugar daddy. Like, I mean, but, you know, like, I kind of told Ryan. I was like, I don't know why he keeps on looking at me. So then he, he came over and he was like, I'm sorry, like, you look like my great nephew. And he was like, I thought that you were whatever his name is sitting at the end of the bar. And so, like, I'm sorry, like, if I looked over, he introduced himself. We had such a great. Like, we had dinner with him and we, he was telling us all these stories, all these people that he knows in, in our area. And I, you know, threw out names and he was like, yeah, yeah, I know this person. It was really cool of how, like, he actually was a, or is a bar owner over in Manhattan and has done. I Don't know how many different bars. So he's telling us this story about how he named his bar. It was R.C. McGraw's. I don't remember the names, but one of his best friends started. His name started with R, the next one was C. And they passed away. And so he got so emotional. Like he's sitting there crying at the bar, at dinner with strangers, with us, and he's like, I'm so sorry. Like I, I, like, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. Like, obviously, don't worry about it. So we, Ryan and I left and you know, we thanked him for, for dinner and great conversations. And when, when we left, we were walking out, I said, you know what? All of the craziness that's happening right now, all of the, the traumas, dramas and everything out with business, it's not that bad. Like what he talked about, yes, was business and his struggles, but what he talked about most was his friends, the people that mattered most to him. And I was like, that's what life is about. So it's almost like putting that shield around you of. Is this affecting me, the. My purpose in life, the most important people in life. And if it's a no, like, let it bounce back, it's going to be okay. We don't have control over the mass. Majority of the things that are happening around us and to us. I can't being so upset that the AC went out on a rental and the tenants screaming and cussing me out, expecting me to do something. Like, I can't do anything. So I have to let them and. But explain to them that I can't handle it and control. I'm not an H vac tech. Right. It doesn't matter whatever the scenario is. But like, get down to it. Like, does this really matter to you? Is this really a you issue or is this a them issue? Do you have control over it or not? So it's almost having that like internal buffer check conversation to bring myself back to reality and like kind of shoe the rest of the away from me. Like, shoo fly, like, don't bother me. It doesn't mean that I'm going to put my head down in the sand with it. But God, I can't take that on. I can't pick up that rock and throw that in my backpack and carry it around for them like that. Yeah, I think that, like, I think, yeah, you're right. There's. It's like a. Almost like an anxiety feeling. I feel like when you start to feel like that. And then it is like, it's almost like a self reflection. You have to step back for a hot minute and be like, I mean, all I can do is present options. And as much as that, you know, there's some unfortunate situations and people might end up with costs they weren't expecting or whatnot. Like at the end of the day, like it was going to happen, you know, whether it was me as an agent or another one, like that's a defect and I can't help it that the roof was leaking. I, you know, like, and I think that that's where people just, I feel like real estate has gotten a lot more emotional. Maybe people are just so intrinsically tied to it. But also like it is people's biggest investment, right? Like it can bankrupt some people. It can also be a profit or wealth building tool for people. Like there's so much that's tied to real estate. And I think like when you do start to feel the burnout though, too, like, it is a little bit of a, like I maybe need to take an afternoon off, you know, and I think that that's really hard for us, right, in general because we're still. You still have your cell phone or whatnot. But sometimes I just purposely leave my cell phone somewhere else because I just can't. Like, you just can't. And I think even if you can give yourself like three hours of just nothingness or do some landscaping or get a massage, like whatever that is, I think you have to remember to build that back in so that as these continue to, you know, process, it's just more of a roll off for you. So like it's more of a. That sucks. And these are the options and we have to continue forward. And I also think that in these positions, like someone's looking for us to guide them. And I think we've talked about it before, but if we're going to guide them down a path of nonsense and craziness, like it's going to be amplified where, if we can lead them to a path of calm. And this is not ideal, but these are our options, black and white options. I think that that can just help a little bit. But it's okay to feel burnt out, it's okay to want to take a day off, but it's also where I think you need to learn on, lean on your sphere, lean on your broker, lean on your agents to just be like, I, I need a mental health day. Can you take my files for the day? Like, I think that's where we're really lucky in this office is we really work well with wanting each other. And it's not a cutthroat within our office. It's a, how can I help you? Like today, this morning, like, I went to go unlock a property at 7 and the supra won't work until 8, which is not what the thing says. So. Right. Instead of getting all flustered, I just threw a thing in our blank and I was like, I'm booked this morning. Is there any way that someone could unlock this property for me? And it was taken care of in like five minutes. Right. So instead of feeling this weight of how am I going to run back over here in the next hour, hour and a half. Right. Like, just ask for help. And sometimes it's as simple as. As that. But I think there's a lot of talk about burnout, and I think a lot of it has to do with, in real estate, with the market. And I think it's just a matter of everyone needs to just take a. A deep breath, reevaluate what are the things that are making them feel burned out. And it's also a good evaluation of maybe these things aren't, aren't good for me right now. Maybe this client. We're not a good fit. And I know people are. That's hard for some people to swallow. But if it consumes you night and day, like, you might just not be the right fit, and that's okay. And I think it's just a matter of really taking that time. And some of that comes with screen time. You need to give up. I'm one for being outdoors. You know, I'm gonna make you hike your ass off in like six weeks. So all of that will help lead to just some calmness and not so much burnt out. Well, you know, everybody's looking for somebody to blame, and I think that's where, when, if you allow them to blame you and you take that on, that's where you're. You're building that on. Like, you're taking, like each time they point and blame you, you're like literally taking a stone and like you're allowing them to stone you. I hate this, say it like that way, but like, you're literally taking and holding it, and there's only so much that you can carry. And then you have your own personal things that are going on as well. And you take that stuff on top of it as well. And I think one thing that you made, like, it's great. I had to get back to my Massages. I wasn't doing my massages for a while and I was like, I can't not do that. My body hurts, I hurt, right? Like that's my time to decompress. Like I try to do it on Fridays, walk it out. But the self care is so freaking important. So I wrote down like self care really is the self protection, right? Making sure that you're putting these boundaries in play. But in reality it all boils back to it's okay to be selfish. And I think that we hear the word selfish and we think it's a negative thing. And it's not a negative thing to be selfish. Like you have to serve yourself first, then you can help serve others. And so being selfish is super freaking important. Holding yourself and holding others to boundaries, being consistent, taking care of yourself, like all of the, it, it's not like a burnout when it comes to you. I wish that it would be a light switch and it turns off on, you know, like it's super easy. It's constant work. It's making sure you're, you're doing the work. You know, if you work it, it works and it's that simple. But we expect such huge results so quickly. And that's not how burnout or any of these things happen. I think that comes back to like outsiders opinions, right? So like I think my, my last newsletter talked about, I, I said that I wasn't going to say no to any golf outings this year. And that was something that, it brings me joy, it gets me outside. I am like improving my game. And you know, I've had a couple people say like, looks like all you're doing is golfing this year. I'm not. I mean maybe once a week, right. And then league. But I mean I'm also keeping up with my 20 transactions at a time. Right. Like people don't necessarily see everything. So I think that's the other thing is you have to remember when people are offering their opinions of you seem deflated or you don't seem yourself or whatnot, like they're just seeing this little itty bitty glimpse. So like maybe you're not sharing everything that you're doing, nor should you have to, nor does that make a difference of who you are or what you're doing. So I think that you know, being able to just again let that roll off and know that like for me golf is self care and someone doesn't like that, that's their problem. If I'm not, you know, if I wasn't Able to address transactions at the same time, or I'm neglecting people, that's a different story. But when, you know, I think it was actually pretty neat. And I have this group, this BNI group, and part of BNI is like a testimonial at the end. And a guy in there, I'm working with his co worker, and he's like, you know, just a testament for how hard actually works. She was showing a property to a girl in my office, and she showed up in her golf clothes. And he's like, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not in shape after a golf outing potentially to do showings. But he's like, it just tells you how committed Ashley is that she golfed all day, kept herself in a good position to go show homes. And he's like, and then that's the house she got. So to me, like, that was. That was appreciated. That, like, people see that there's another side to it. So I think that it's just important, like, for us too, to just really be careful before we judge someone because you haven't walked in their shoes. You don't know what's going on that you don't see on social media. So I think it goes back to, like, us also being kind to other people. And secondly, like, sometimes you don't know what's going on. Sometimes you do find out what's going on in someone's life and you're like, oh, shit. That's why they were so, you know, rough or short or whatnot. So again, I think it just is a reminder to everyone that, like, just. Just be nice, don't judge, you know? No, I mean, if you think someone's struggling or. Or maybe they seem deflated, like, maybe just ask, you know, and you might learn that there's something going on at home. Or maybe that they're completely fine and it's just a new version and, you know, they're happy to. Happy to come along. That train of not having drama and all that. And if not, then great, we'll talk to you next time, Right? You know, in. In a matter of a week, I had one person tell me that I'm a workaholic. I work too much. I'm all over the place, right? Like, go, go, go. Then I had one person tell me that I. That they thought that I was deflated. I lost my pizzazz. And, like, either side of those spectrums, like, I don't think are true. Like, I do like to work, don't get me wrong, but, like, I'm not a workaholic like I used to be. No. And I definitely do not feel like I am deflated. So these are two different people see me in two different lights, but it's still me. I'm the common denominator. And, you know, when I was told that I was deflated and I was like, I'm not, I was told, well, you changed. And the. The thing that after, like, reflecting off of it, we're supposed to change. We're supposed to grow, we're supposed to adapt. And so I'm changing. Maybe you don't like my change and that's okay. Maybe I'm growing, right? Like, is it the bug's life when it's a caterpillar and it's. Then it turns into the metamorphosis butterfly and was like, I'm a pretty butterfly. Like, you change. That's what you're supposed to do. And it's okay. So their opinions do not matter. Right? The burnout, that's a phase. And as long as you continue to work on yourself, you're going to grow. All of this is part of the journey, and it's just making sure you stay true to who you are, true to your true, authentic self, and don't veer away from who you are. You know, I actually really, if you think about that a little bit more, the butterfly analogy is that really, right, like, they cocoon themselves and they protect themselves in this barrier, right, While they grow. So I think that that's an interesting way to think about it because sometimes, right, we have to, like, step off of that platform that we were in to maybe protect ourselves a little bit more so that can continue to grow. And someone might see that cocoon as deflated or whatnot. But really it's more of the protection of you and your energy so that you can continue to, you know, morph into this butterfly that flies around and is beautiful and does all the things right? I'm a beautiful butterfly. I'm gonna have to go watch that movie now. It's been forever now. You're gonna have to get a butterfly tattoo. I'm here for it, so. Well, great conversations as always. Thank you guys for listening and tuning in and make sure you tune into the next one. And Ashley, you said something about a newsletter. Yes, Right. How do people sign up for your newsletter? I think they can go to my website, which I believe is actually frederick.com. Ashley frederickrealtor.com It's a good question. I should know that. And there's a little subscribe button. Otherwise, send me a message. Facebook message, text message. You know, it's really meant to just try to do something outside of real estate. Give a glimpse of what I, you know, my thoughts are some recipes. I always like to give a good book recommendation. And I'm always, you know, I appreciate when people reach out and say that it meant something, or if they want me to talk about something specific, I'm always happy to help. Perfect. I appreciate it. All right, have a great day and go change the world, people. If you've enjoyed today's episode, please, like, subscribe and share with others. Stay connected. For more genuine insights and strategies to boost your real estate career on Facebook or check out our website. We'll see you next time.