The Spiral of Silence

Ashley (23:30.641)
Hi, Welcome back to the Leading Lane podcast. We're excited to have you this week. Maybe there'll be a fun outtake before this one starts. This week, we're going to talk a little bit about like misconceptions slash not asking for help. So more or less, I think we know we've had a couple of situations and transactions and office and life that

Maybe someone views something a certain way and then they sit with it. They don't do anything with it. And then things start to kind of roll out of control or they tell themselves a story in their head that was never true. And then it's three months later and you sit down and you talk about it. And then you realize you wasted three months being upset about something because it was never the intention anyway. So, you know, I think maybe just talking about how we get to misconceptions and maybe the best solution as far as moving forward. So.

Steven, give me a little bit of insight on your thoughts.

Steven L Burch (24:33.462)
Well, I think first we have to understand that like, I think both you and I are very, um, direct, right? We've already established that. And so I think sometimes it's hard for me to understand. Like, why don't, why don't you just freaking say something, right? Like if somebody, if you have an issue, if you're struggling with something, if there's a frustration, something's going on, I did something wrong, like whatever it may be, just flipping say something and let's talk about it. Let's figure out a solution. And so I think.

really when you first brought this up, conversation of topic, what I've learned so much, and I have to give it to Aaron, one of Ryan's coaches, is the Colby assessment. And I don't remember what all the different numbers mean, but it's more of an understanding, it's an assessment about how people engage, react, how they process information.

versus to where like a disc profile is more about personality. This is like how you actually do the work, right?

Ashley (25:36.226)
Yeah, this is like a fact finder, follow through, quick start and implementer.

Steven L Burch (25:41.814)
Right. So I think it wasn't until necessarily this assessment that like I already knew that I was different, got that. But until I understood about how other people take the information process through it, what they do with it. And so we've made our entire team do it. And so I'm a very quick start. Like I don't get down into the weeds of absolutely everything. And so when an issue arises,

like, hey, let's just figure it out. And that's why I'm that way. So anyways, going back to like the people that don't do that, they, they sit on it. I typically mean they tell themselves more of a bullshit story than it rolls. It festers, it builds. And then there's something that happens that something so small that triggers then a huge blow up. And I think that just carrying that.

weight and carrying that animosity or the bullshit story that you're telling yourself, it just creates a spiral effect later on and it's not healthy. So I don't know how to help those not do that, right? But I don't know. I think we're an open book and we're here to help people and it's just wildly frustrating that some don't do that.

Ashley (26:57.868)
Thank you.

Ashley (27:07.244)
think that it's like an awareness, right? So I think I would encourage people to be more aware of their thoughts, concerns, feelings. And sometimes I think it has to be either a reality check to yourself or, right, you have a friend that is going to have a reality check for you and be like, so this isn't, this isn't right. You seem off, right? Whatever. And I think you're, it's like the timeframe though, right? So

think people are always afraid to hurt other people's feelings. think that's what it comes down to. We can be direct, right? And a lot of times when we're direct, people take that the wrong way when in all reality, you just wanted to get to the point and move on. Or some people don't want to say something because they think that it'll hurt someone's feelings. So then they just go a long time without saying anything. And then by the time it comes up, it's might be beyond repair or whatnot when it was a simple misconception. So, you know, I think it's awareness of

You know, is this true? Is this just a story I'm telling myself? Do I have facts? So that's what I like to try to have people do too, is if you're feeling a certain way, are there facts to support it? So is it misconception? Is it factual? Is it a little bit of both? Is there some drama added in there that was unnecessary as well that, you know, might add some fuel to the fire? But really, if you're feeling a certain way or feel out of place, like who's the person you need to talk to to change that?

think that's where people get just lost or like stuck in their own, they get in their own way. We talk about it all the time, like whether it's working in your business or on your business and the same misconception, you get like stuck in your own pattern or in your own way of actually correcting it. But it's just a matter of, know, even if you put timeframes to it, like maybe I'll wait two weeks before I say something because it'll change or it's a misconception. But I'd encourage people to have something bothering you for two weeks, like.

Now it's 8 up time and energy. What happens when it starts affecting, you know, when you go home and you're spending time with your family or your kids or you're not sleeping well, like those are all things that are clear indications that something's bothering you and it's just not worth it to hang on to it.

Steven L Burch (29:19.36)
Yeah, you know, I think that one of the things I've learned too is that when I approach these things, it's instead of pointing fingers, right, or attacking, being defensive is saying one, I feel this way. This is how I'm feeling because nobody else can control how you feel. Right. So even if it is a drama or, you know, something that's happening on the other side of the party.

But when you say, feel this way, it's now lessening the fear of hurting somebody else's feelings because you're talking about yourself. And so I think just reframing that conversation a little bit is a little bit easier for me to get down to it. And then I think the other thing too is I clearly say that like, I don't know if this is a story that I'm just telling myself. I making this up? I need help to process through this. Am I crazy type of thing?

And this is how I feel. And it's more of a instead of a blame game or a confrontation. It is a easier way to be able to open up. And I think that you have to, I call them these body cues, right? Like when you have these little, if the hair on your arms is standing up and you know, that gives you something you're really passionate about and that's positive, great. Don't ignore that. Or if you have that pit in your stomach or that little twist or

whatever your body does and reacts, pay attention to these body cues. Don't dismiss them. To me, those are good things or bad things. Is it a green flag or is it red flag type of thing? So I think it's just being self-aware, like you're saying, being self-aware, looking at the mirror first, not listening to respond. You're listening to understand and being able to find a solution and coming.

from a place of curiosity, open-hearted and open-minded, you can get so much further so much quicker.

Ashley (31:22.201)
When I think to like, I think, like we're direct, right, but there are also times where you're not expecting something. But sometimes I need to mull on it, right, which isn't a bad thing. Same thing, like you can't mull on it for weeks or days or you're talk about it later. So I try to, even if it's been a day, just like sit through it and then come back because I think sometimes you're taken off guard or you thought about other things.

Steven L Burch (31:46.026)
I call that marinating. I need to marinate for a second so it come back to me.

Ashley (31:51.76)
Right. I think that's fair for everybody. Like everybody should have a chance to marinate on something too. So even if you bring a concern to someone else, like, right, give them the opportunity to be like, maybe you weren't expecting me to say this, or maybe you didn't see it from this light. Think about that. Maybe it changes your perception of, you know, what happened or what could happen. You know, we've talked about people too that just get so caught up in the what ifs that they...

more or less paralyze themselves from actually making a decision. it's like, you and I have talked about all the energy of like months worth of what if it could have just been switched in, you know, one conversation and you could be, you know, moving on to something bigger or better or not have that weight that you've had, et cetera.

Steven L Burch (32:39.882)
Yeah, no, we tell ourselves so much, like these stories and you know, I definitely still do it, not as bad as I used to, I think what it is is that the more that you talk about it, I think that then creates the self-awareness. I know that kind of is an oxymoron, if you will, like being able to vocalize these things, being in a safe space of being able to just throw it out there. And for me, once I...

can get it out into the universe and talk it out truly and find out like what is the reality of that is happening. It's so much easier for me to dissect and come up with a plan to be able to figure out whatever we need to work on, whatever the outcome is that we're after. So it's talking constantly, it's communication.

Ashley (33:26.809)
When I think to like, maybe trying to find someone that you know that wouldn't have the same thought process that you have. So a lot of times, right, you can get, you can find that person that you're very much alike and then you can kind of commiserate together, which doesn't really help anything versus if you know someone, you know, might, might push you a little bit more, might have in a second opinion, like maybe it's ideal to go to that other person that isn't going to commiserate with you, but that's going to actually.

challenge you or say, did you think about this instead? You know, finding those people that are willing to ask those questions to help you get out of whatever funk you're in or whatever thought process you might've got stuck in.

Steven L Burch (34:03.168)
And that could be chat GPT too. Like, that's been a hot topic that you and I have had and there's a prompt that you have that basically is brutally honest back to you and giving you the reality of what it is. And, you know, in one breath, it's wild that a AI knows us that well to be able to tell us our blind spots and these things that, you know, maybe that we're not doing or should look at differently, but...

Ashley (34:05.421)
Yeah.

Steven L Burch (34:31.7)
you can tell chat to be team to challenge you, challenge your thinking, right? Don't just agree with me, really help me analyze this and understand it. So even if you're not ready to have that one-on-one face-to-face conversation with the human, have it with AI and see if that helps you process your thoughts a little bit better. And maybe you might get a harsh reality from AI. And then when you talk to the person one-on-one, that may not be the harsh reality of that person that you're talking to, right?

Ashley (35:02.433)
I used that prompt with two clients this week and it was really funny. Like after the first one, they were both like, well, you know, I was like, that didn't come from me. That really honest was AI, but somehow it already knew from what you've been teaching it. The one really funny one was she has a goal of 60 transactions this year. And in one of the responses to her, it said, if you're really serious about getting 60 transactions. And she's like, wait, how did it know that?

Steven L Burch (35:13.333)
Right.

Ashley (35:32.566)
Like, I don't know, but it did know. But also, it asked some questions and she was like, yeah, I probably haven't been doing that. So, right, it's sometimes this self check-in because we want to try to blame someone else for our misfortunes or for our lull in business or for being unhappy about something where a lot of times it's just something we created ourselves or it's a...

Bullshit story that we've told ourselves that we've decided to go into a rabbit hole on.

Steven L Burch (36:06.262)
And it's hard to slow down. think we're we we've talked about this over and over and over again. We're so we're all built to feel like we need to do more and adding more onto our play and more tasks. And like in reality, more is not getting us anywhere. Like that's just the quickest way to get to burnout. And in reality, we need to do less. And I think when.

You can have that self-awareness and you can slow yourself down and you can start seeing these body cues and you can start, you know, recognizing when you're telling yourself these bullshit stories and you start talking about it more using chat. All of these are tools to help. Like there's no perfect solution of, you know, not having confrontation or, you know, miscommunications or misconceptions, right? People are still going to have these assumptions or views, but let them.

have their own, but you have to be able to process through that and understand truly what's happening for yourself and work through and with different tools and different people to help you accomplish what you're after. But.

Ashley (37:15.168)
I've seen some people post, I would never not recommend to have a therapist, but some people have posted about how like AI, they learn more from their AI than their therapist in the last year or something like that. I mean, it's wild, but you have to think of like all of the people that are like talking to AI and like what kind of information and then for them to be able to output that like so fastly is, it is wild.

Steven L Burch (37:39.158)
And I love it though. Like I geek out over like AI and being able to, I don't think that AI is ever going to replace people. I mean, it could, right? But like we're in the service, we're working with people, we're in a service industry, didn't finish that one. We're in a service industry, it's not going to just replace us, but I guarantee you what it will replace us are the people that are using AI. And I think that if you really lean into it and use it,

properly like these tools. I imagine if you, mean, you can literally log in and you have your therapist AI, you have your business coach AI, you have your CEO, right? Like all of these different, quote unquote, hats that you can put in there. And really what I do is like, I know some of my weaknesses, right? I know my tone and my directness sometimes comes across that way. And because I've gotten the feedback.

So I've trained my AI to help me work and not cover up those weaknesses, but enhance to where it's not such a weakness for me and give me indicators that, like, maybe you might wanna reword this a little bit so that then there is not these misconceptions and I'm able to clearly communicate with who I have on the other side. So I think AI is a fantastic tool to use if used properly.

Ashley (39:04.477)
I think that's a good point as far as like, you know, we're talking about not necessarily like miserating with somebody. But I mean, literally like ask AI like, this is how I'm feeling. How can I portray that to someone so that it doesn't sound, you whatever? mean, it's very good. And you can always obviously change it or whatnot. But I think it's a good point to use it to help us have conversations. You know, I just used it for like a specific six week.

coaching thing that, know, somebody that was struggling with something that I wanted specifically covered and it helped me come up with exactly what we're doing over the next six weeks. And it covered it extremely well because of the information I gave it, but I just was having a hard time compiling it right. And it compiles it for you. And now I have a six week plan that will help everyone.

Steven L Burch (39:49.846)
Well, and you can put it in, like what I love to be able to do is like ask me questions to help clarify where I'm trying, what I'm trying to accomplish and what the outcome should be. And so it almost becomes like an interview process back and forth between myself and chat GPT. And, and I also love the voice aspect of it because you can, it feels like a true conversation at first kind of felt a little weird, but you know, it truly helps me communicate to my team.

And going back to the Colby score, right? Like I know that I shared this before, but I put that in the custom GPT of my Colby score, my team's Colby score, their disk profile, my disk profile, and it knows I put our SWOT analysis in there. So when I write an email to Brandon, I want it to make sure that it's getting all of my points, but it's formatted to be able to make it to where his Colby score, his disk assessment.

from his SWOT analysis, it actually is going to help him understand and comprehend better of where I am coming from. And then I put in there, you know, clarifying questions to ensure that, you know, it comes back to me as well if he needs further clarification, if I happen to miss something that he needed. It's a powerful tool of all the way around, absolutely everything. Put the information in there. Like, it learns so much about you. And I think it is beautiful.

pulling from other people. But also with that being said too, there's an area of caution here of don't lose your authentic self as a tool, not a replacement. It's making sure that you still have to have that conversation with a real live person. When we were at that conference, they were, you know, shared the people that are falling in love with the AI.

There's a fine line, you that you'll cross over really quickly. Don't go that direction. You still have to have your feelings and who you are, right?

Ashley (41:51.939)
Yeah, I think you're right. It's a good tool so that if you're like, right, I don't want to come across harsh, make this sound more appealing. You know what I mean? So think just helping us to think differently.

Steven L Burch (42:04.342)
Absolutely. And that goes back to helping close the gap in those misconceptions. Like we are not always right. We are human, we make mistakes too. AI is going make mistakes, but you know, this is a way to be able to push yourself into a completely different mindset without the complete disruption. And you have the ability to be

completely open and not guarded. You're talking, I mean, you're literally typing your stuff in here. So yeah, I love it, but I think that human interaction still has to happen there.

Ashley (42:45.249)
think, you know, the other thing about misconceptions is that people don't always know what's going on in someone else's life either. So I think that people need to be a little bit more like well-rounded in that way. that it, like what you see upfront, what you see on a daily basis, it could be a facade. It could be someone trying to keep their shit together on a regular basis. Right. And I think that that's just where we get a little lost is.

You know, get so stuck in like your view and how you see things and it's got to be this way. But like you didn't know, like someone is thick or someone is on the verge of burnout. So that's the way that why they acted like that. Right. Well, then once you found like find those things out, you're like, I like I probably shouldn't have thought about it that way because I didn't realize, you know, this is going on. It was actually really weird last night. And we talked about on the podcast about me like partially losing

hearing in December. And one of my friends asked me last night if I had decided on surgery and I said that it is a little dicey because you can't fly and that's important for me. So trying to figure that out. And she made a comment that I really hadn't thought about until last night, but how she said, you know, there's got to be so many other things in your life that are messed up because you can't function the same. like cognitively,

in social places, in day-to-day interactions, and just your own mental awareness. And I don't know why I never thought about that. And then of course I had to deep dive into it and did like this Google search about other side effects of potential hearing loss. And I mean, it really is, it's like this social anxiety, it's this cognitive decline, et cetera. And I was like, shit, I should really.

schedule that surgery sooner than later, but right, mean, you don't think about those things. then someone thinks that you're mad at them or someone thinks that you're off, like no one thought about all these other things that that's just one thing that's going on, right? It doesn't talk about, you know, things that are going on with my husband and his work or things that are going on at home, right? Like just people forget that there's this whole round circle that makes a person. We only get to see a sliver of it.

Steven L Burch (45:04.149)
Correct? Like in the same, the saying of assumptions, right? Of to me, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and me. And so I, I try very hard not to make assumptions. It's hard not to totally get it. But when you make that assumption that, you know, everything's perfect, I mean, she appears to have everything, everything's great. but underneath there's, you know, so much more that are behind the scenes. There's so much more that's happening.

and nobody needs to know about that. shouldn't have to explain that by any means. But it's making sure that you're coming from a place of curiosity and understanding and truly. I think it's that connection, right? Like making the connection with somebody and having a conversation with them versus going into it with that predetermined notion of what you think is going on. It's a totally different outcome.

if you truly are trying to connect versus dictate, right?

Ashley (46:07.51)
think right at the end of the day, people have to give each other grace to know that nothing's perfect and that the only way you really grow is by having these open conversations and trying to learn from one another and problem solve together for the greater good.

Steven L Burch (46:11.702)
Thank you.

Steven L Burch (46:22.41)
Yeah, I think the other thing about the misconception side of things is that. You know, making sure that you are clearly communicating and then the other person is truly giving you the. The 100 % truth. Right, like. If I ask a question and you give me an answer. For me personally, like that's the answer, right? I'm not going to.

Continue this story of well, maybe they didn't really mean it this way. They didn't you know, they they're trying to cover up. I don't know. Like I don't maybe I should you know deep dive further into that. But I feel like if we're having an open conversation and a question is asked and it's answered. If I got the clarity of it and understanding we can move forward. But if the other person is not giving you the true answer right like and they're holding themselves back it really caused even.

more chaos. I mean, it rolls into effect because that other person is still telling themselves these stories. I'm thinking everything's hunky-dory and in reality it's not. So making sure that it's a two-way street, not just a one-way and you're really stopping and pausing and understanding where that other person is coming from. So, cool. Yeah, I think the world could be so much better if we just talk a little bit more. Don't hold your

Ashley (47:41.883)
Definitely.

Ashley (47:49.658)
communication.

Steven L Burch (47:51.23)
Isn't that the truth? So as always, good combo with you, Ashley Frederick. If you guys have a topic or would like to be a guest on our podcast, please reach out to us. We'd love to hear from you.

Ashley (47:57.4)
you