Trauma of a Transaction

Welcome to the Leading Lane podcast for Real Estate Pros by Real Estate Pros, with your hosts, Ashley Frederick and Steven Burch. If you're looking for an honest, authentic, and raw perspective, you found it. All right, welcome back to the podcast. Today we're going to be talking about how the transaction is so emotionally tolling and just sometimes draining. And a lot of people don't understand what really goes into a transaction, but, like, not only just the physical tasks, the actions that you have to do, but what kind of physical toll does that take on the agent or agents or people involved within the transaction from start to beginning? So with that being said, Ashley, I'm sure you've never had a traumatic trauma transaction, right? But what is it that you think that people, you know from the outside looking in, what is it that you think that they don't truly understand on how emotionally draining it is on an agent or for you during a transaction? Yeah, I mean, I think there's a lot. And don't get me wrong, you know, it's. There's traumatic ones, but there's also good emotions. But it's still an emotional toll. Right? Like when you're on a roller coaster almost every day, it can add up, but I think there's always the misnomer that we talk about of we just sign our name on a contract and we put a stake in the ground and we call it good. And that couldn't be furthest from the truth. And I think where people forget is that this is a people business. Like, we're dealing with lives every single day. So I think it can start as early as just meeting someone for a. Either to buy or to sell. I think I feel like it's more in the selling process. But you can meet someone after something traumatic just happened in their lives, right. So either they had a, you know, death in the family or like the one I'm working on right now, their mom passed away unexpectedly. And it's. I think it probably is who you are as a person, too, but I guess I feel like I. I take on all of that energy as well. So you go to the house and meet them and, you know, they're in tears and they can't get through, like, the house tour, or they talked about what happened, or they don't know how they're going to move forward. And you almost become a counselor, like, immediately, like overnight. We've now become their guidance counselor as to everything. So it's, you know, some of the people didn't have anything in an estate they didn't have anything planned out as far as wills and all of that. So then it's, you know, navigating them to that or it's just them having to empty out a house. Right. So going through all of these personal belongings. And so I think there's a toll that it takes as far as that's concerned of just like managing that project. And that is many times before it even hits the market, you know, so negotiations yet. Yeah. We have not even talked about how much your house is worth. So I think that it can start really easy on. And on the buy side too. Like somebody might be buying for reasons that are not kind either. Like we've had domestic abuse people and we had to have confidential names. Same thing like a divorce, loss of a loved one. Those are all traumatic things too, to come in. And then, I mean, really, they're relying on us to get them to the next step. So. So I think that there's definitely a piece of that. And then we get into actually the transaction. And it's funny, I actually had a client say to me the other day, the amount of times I have talked to you in the last three weeks. And I am just one human. I don't know how you do all of your people and like run a company. I just literally can't fathom it. And I guess to us, like, it's probably just so second nature. But sometimes when you think, you sit back and you think about it, I mean, like we're supposed to be readily available. So whether it's 6am, 7am, midnight. Right. But it's also a matter of putting in boundaries so that we don't get burnt out. But I think throughout a transaction. Right. There's just so many things that come up as far as offers. And maybe there's multiple offers, maybe there's no offers, there's no showings. Right. And then people have a automatic. Oh my gosh. What it. About a guy that didn't move out of his house? Yeah. And that was definitely traumatic. That was by far the most traumatic experience for me for numerous reasons. Everyone got to see a side of Ashley that does not come out often that you don't want to see. But. Right. And I think I even joked, like, and I mean, I wasn't joking at the time, but I think I was like, I'm gonna quit real estate. Like, I am never doing something like that ever again. It was a 12 hour marathon of emptying out someone's house, being called like every name in the book. Like, I think that's what people don't understand is that there are so many people and then when you're working with 40 people at a time, it's just magnified. And I remember I was on a call with a lender and I started crying because I was so overwhelmed. And that's normally the only time I cry is when I'm overwhelmed. And I was like, why does it always feel like everything goes wrong? Actually you have to think like if there are agents that are doing like one or two transactions, like it's going to be like easy breezy. But if you take 40, like, of course something's going to go wrong, but it's a matter of managing it. So I think that's where people get confused is that it's not just signing a piece of paper or putting a sign in the ground. It's the actual like management of the transaction, management of someone else's emotional distress. I mean, family issues that come up in the transaction. I mean, I think like, in a nutshell, that's kind of how I feel like where the emotional ties come in, in a real estate transaction. But what do you think on that end of it? But the other part of that too, that, you know, we're talking about the transaction, we're talking about how those can, you know, with the 30, 40 different people, you know, on top of running the brokerage and other things that you do. We're, we're missing a point here too. Like, we're not even discussing what is happening in your own personal life. Right? Like there, there's other craziness that is happening or good, bad, ugly, and we still have to compose ourselves as professionals and, and hold all of that together. And I can't lie, there's been times that I've had stuff that are going on in my personal life that I, you know, took it out on somebody else during a transaction. And that's not fair whatsoever. But you know, sometimes people in a transaction will come at you, if you will, and you, you say what you need to and then they're so offended. But they forget that we are people too. We're humans and we have, you know, life going on, we have shit going on, but we're supposed to be the ones that are managing everything perfectly. And I do find it funny that the beginning of this, when I said, you know, the motion of a transaction, my automatic brain went to the negative. And you made a valid point of what about all the positive? What about all of the great things that we are taking people through these transactions? We're helping them when they are having, you know, these down moments in life. And we can be the, you know, the shining star to guide them through. Um, and you know, it. It's funny, even mind. Mind shift changed there for me, just right then of man. Emotion doesn't mean bad. Emotion is a very good thing too. It can go both directions. But yeah, transactions, I think we f. At least for me, I focus on that emotion of negativity in a transaction because I think that's what you remember the most, at least for me, because of those are the big red flags, the bumps in the road that. And I think maybe even looking back on our personal side of things, when you have these memories, sometimes it's hard to pull out the, you know, the good times on there unless they're the really great high peak times. But we're more apt to go to the negative first because those are the spikes that we have in our timeline and it's easier to identify those. Interesting. I don't remember your question that you asked me, but he. Well, I think, you know, people talk about like, you could do good for 20 people, right. And it's like the one bad thing is what everyone remembers. But I. I think you're right. Like, there are a lot of good that comes out of real estate, but that's still emotional. Like, you know, like getting a family that didn't ever think they could afford a home, like into a home, right? Or I think I had a favorite where cute little young couple. And he called me maybe like a week before and was like, ashley, I want to propose like on the day of the. The closing. And I was like, ah, I literally have it covered. So I was like, like, you do your thing, I will take care of the house or whatnot. So like, I got roses. I put them like all up the steps. And then I had like flowers and a whole bunch of stuff and champagne, like waiting at the house for them. And then I like videotaped like when she opened the door, like he. When she turned around, he was on, you know, one knee. And I think that like, right. Like, what an amazing experience that was. And I think that's the other thing that people maybe don't forget is that these people become like a part of your everyday life. Like, you talk to them almost every day, right. When you're looking at houses or through the transaction. Some people take two or three years to find the house that they want. So they become like your little sidekick and get to know their families really well and Right. Like, you get to be a part of these. A lot of these people, like we turn into family friends that were at their weddings and now we're at their kids baby showers. I mean, we're at some of our clients graduation parties this year, you know, so it's just amazing how they get like entrenched in your lives. But then you think of someone that's been in real estate like you and I, like you know, 10 plus years and all of those clients and it's not like they just drop off. So it's like every year you add a hundred more people that, you know, you do business with and you get to know their business, their families and you see their losses, you know, and you see their good things like expecting, you know, new kids. So I think it's just really interesting when you think you kind of like look back and think about all the people you've done business with and all the ups and downs and then, you know, they've been your client before and then something happens and end up having to be your client for another reason, good or bad. But it's just amazing how people like become entrenched in your lives through a real estate transaction. But you're right. I think the part that you said that is interesting is just that they forget that we're humans and that we have a life and that I remember I used to be so afraid. I probably am not the best at it, as you can probably say. But like posting when I'm on vacation because people used to be so upset about like, you're gone or you're gone again or. And so I used to just stop, okay? I mean, nobody needs to know that I'm gone. Which is in the same sense, like isn't fair because we take really awesome pictures and we have a good time, gotten better with it. But I think where that comes back down to is boundaries. And I think it also comes back to knowing your worth. So you're going to get these people that are right condescending when they talk to you or say those things. That's really on us to be able to have that recognition of like, you know what, like this isn't, this isn't working, this isn't healthy and this isn't a good relationship. I always tell people, like, if it's like that from beginning, like, and again, like we're just at the beginning stages. Is this the same type of person that you want to work with throughout a transaction when things start to go south? And I know a lot of people don't like to turn down paychecks, if you will. I hate when people say that. Um. Cause that's not what it's about. It's just about, like, is that someone that is going to value your time and likely that's not worth whatever that check was going to be. Right. You know, I used to, you know, chase the checks constantly. That was what the drive was. And, you know, I'm a numbers person. Don't get me wrong. We're. We're here for business. But when I had that shift in mentality of, like, the more people that I can actually help and get into homes or sell or whatever, the money's going to follow. I don't need. I don't need to chase after the money. I need to be able to help people and make sure that I'm there for them. And one of my favorite stories was I had a woman that was in a domestic violence situation with a young child, and we had to keep it under wraps. You know, obviously she couldn't tell the man that she was seeing because she was fearful for, honestly, her life. And we had to do everything pretty quickly and under the. Under the radar. But I remember distinctly, you know, she was telling me the day before closing that she's so excited. She didn't really even think that she'd be able to get this far. So she doesn't have any, any food, you know, the, the actual furniture in the house, like, these things, because she didn't, she couldn't go buy things. She couldn't. She's not taking this stuff out of the house. She's literally taking her child and her, you know, personal belongings, the essentials and, and leaving. So I went and I bought a whole refrigerator full of all the food. And, you know, I worked on. And getting gift cards to different places so they can go buy furniture. And it was just, you know, it kind of gives me chills now still too. Like, it's. It wasn't even about the money, right? Like, I don't even think I made any money on that transaction. And that's a. Okay. Because, like, put it all back in. Into her. And now that she has a safe place to be, the kid has a safe place to live. And, you know, just the, the pure emotion and the excitement, the joy that she felt, not only that she was able to actually go through and purchase her own home, but she got away from the situation. And there's actually good people in the world to, to be able to help if you are open and willing to allow them to help. You. So yeah, it's, it's good to reflect back on those different things. Kind of on the, the personal side, I think the other thing too, and I'm going to poke fun because I don't think you know that I know this. You. You were going to the, the movies the other night. Yeah. I got a picture of you in the parking lot on your, on your phone. Like, I can't remember what said, but you know, always working or something to that effect. But kudos to you for still even being able to go to handle transactions. And I think sometimes people outside of real estate don't understand what that really means. A good for you for being able to juggle both and that you actually went to the freaking movies because you're a human and you deserve to be able to go and relax and hang out and not at home at 6:50 when the movie time starts. On a Friday. On a Friday. You know, it's funny that you say that we haven't been to a movie in like forever, but like, as life changes, right, like we're, we're trying to be more aware of, of doing things because we've had like way too much. And you're fully aware this last year of how much life is fragile, that like, some of those calls can wait. Some of those people can wait. I know that might sound bad, but I tell people, like, in real estate, it's typically not like a life and death situation. It's something that at the moment seems, you know, a little impossible. But most things we can work through. But you know, I, I think like in the, in the role of before the picture or before the movie, you talk about how rude it is to be on your phone and there's this little thing. So I, I'll be honest. Like, I, you know, I put it on, on silent and I like put it underneath me and there's like a sheer like panic of like, I am like not gonna look at my phone for two and a half hours. Like, someone's probably gonna get upset. One person did. You know what I mean? But it was like in the same sense, I was like, I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. Like, I am concerned about going to a movie and not having my phone. And then I guess I was just like, well, I mean, I guess at the end of the day it is what it is, right? And they wanted like an immediate call back and it was over nothing. And I just text message. I'm like, I'm sorry I was away. Here's like, your response, which had nothing to do with anything. Sometimes I joke about if we could go back to even maybe 10 years ago. So Barb, who was like a mentor when I started in real estate, has since passed, but she would always talk to me about they didn't call after 7. Like, there was no such thing as texting. You didn't do showings on Sundays. I'm sure your grandma can relate to this as well, you know, and it's just fun sometimes. Like, interesting to think about. And they still did plenty of business, like, just fine. So I think it's on us, right, to also push back a little bit. And I tried to do that with expectations from the beginning. So when I talk to a buyer, like, I'm likely not going to respond to you after 9pm Like, Sundays are kind of off limits for the most part. I think if you can just really set those boundaries up front, you can tend to have a little bit better. But it is. I think it's funny that you say that just because I think Ben told me that he sent that to Ryan and Ryan was like, oh, my God, there's so much alike. Then you got a. Didn't you get a picture of us watching Twister? No. Or did I tell you that? No. Then how did you know that I was watching Twisters? I know you were watching. He just took a picture. He just said that. It sounds just like you guys watched it. Yes. Like, literally the other night, like, and then you texted. I thought you knew. I was like, how did she. Did I say something to her? I had no idea. Yeah. Just watched it. That's funny. That's why when you told me that you were gonna have hail last night, I was like, well, since I just watched that, you should really go in your basement. Yeah. But no, I think it's just right. We are like it. We have to be aware that it's okay. And. But I think that for other people, other agents as well, like, need to remember that, because I'll be honest, I know I've said this before, but I hate when people post on Facebook, like, answer your damn phone. Like, yes and no. Like, right. Like, if it is 8 o' clock and you're with your family, like, I'm just not going to answer my phone unless I really need to. And it's okay. Like, it's okay if I get back to you tomorrow. So I think it's on agents, too, to be aware that they wouldn't like it if someone did that to them. So maybe not do it. You know, to other agents either. I totally agree. Speaking about other agents, like in this transaction, you know, talking about emotion, how do you feel others. Other agents emotions play into the transaction and how can that affect it? 110%. So there's one agent that I can think of in particular that like she's kind of angry about things always. We kind of know that going into it. But I feel like we're supposed to be the gatekeeper of the transaction and we're the one that also is supposed to keep it common, cool, collective. For the most part. If I call a seller or a buyer with a problem, as long as I'm like prepared with a solution or like I'll never forget I was selling my brother in law's house and the first offer, I don't. I think they broke up or something. So they backed out of the offer. And in that meantime I had already called out to the other agent that had a good showing and they had wrote another offer in the meantime. So like. Right. Called them and I was like, so not the best news, but I have some good news. The first buyer, like change of mind, backed out. But I have another offer and it's for more than what your other offer was. And. Right. And it was like no big deal. Or had another agent called me like, oh my gosh, they backed out. We're going to not let them out of this. You know what I mean? So with that agent, like it's a home inspection, it's whatever it is, like it's going to be an issue. And for me, I always just want to be like, like how are you presenting that to your buyer or your seller? Because if you get upset, like they're going to get upset. Like they look to you to be the expert and now you're making a big deal out of it where if you come to them and say, hey, this is what happened, I've seen this before, let's do X, y, Z. So 100%. I mean agents really need to remain calm in a transaction. I've learned that over time. Don't get me wrong, every now and then there's like, nope, like this is not happening. That also is what they are hiring us for is right. Because there might be an agent on the other side that's doing something completely inappropriate. And I'll be like, yeah, so they're trying to pull a fast one and we're not going to do that. That. But I also think our clients respect us for that. So as an agent. Right. Like one be courteous to the other agent. Two, sometimes you have to be a little firm with them. But three, like, just try to maintain calm for your clients. Like there's no sense, right. If they're moving, whatever that might look like, that has to be stressful, right? Let's not add any more stress to that than what we need to. Let's not over, you know, dramatize it. Right? So, right. It's. It's already tough. Like the. The whole contract and the whole transaction is between the buyer and the seller. Not agent to agent, not. Not whomever else you want to see. Like it's buyer and seller. And that's what we are there to do, is to work on behalf of the buyer and the seller. You know, And I think the. The boundaries are crossed sometimes with agents. I mean, a lot of times. And it's something that I think that agents forget the way that they are speaking and how they're communicating and what they're relaying over from agent to agent. I'll give you an example. What I mean with that. We were going out of country and we had an agent that is an acquaintance friend that we, you know, knew that we were going out of. Out of country, but there was a transaction that we were going on as well, and she happened to be the. The buying side. So she said to us, like, hey, the buyers are concerned that you're going to drop the ball while you're out of country. Okay, first off, how does the buyer know we're going out of country? Why was our personal travel discussed with them? So are you really trying to say that you're concerned or is your buyer truly concerned? And at the end of the day, why do I have to be in country? Why do I have to be anywhere? I mean, of your concern to be able to make a transaction work. We have staff, we have other ways that we are making things work. It's not like we were going to freaking bfe. I mean, kind of, but not really. I mean, like we had WI fi. We had everything. We can still work. It's not like we were disconnected and letting you know everything drop. Like, come on, we're way more professional than that. But why. Why is that? Why was that necessary to be able to. To throw out there? And I think that once, you know, I said that to Ryan, like, yo. Like that, that was not cool. That was not kosher, right? Why is she throwing her emotion into this and her concern that could have costed the. The whole thing right there and allowed the buyer to get cold feet back Out. Whatever. I don't know what would happen. Everything was fine. We got it closed. But still throwing your. Your emotion into the transaction and throwing unnecessary details into the transaction is something I think could be extremely detrimental and honestly, I think completely unprofessional. Right. I say that to the girls, like, all the time. Like, I might be. I. I might be at a golf outing, like, but nobody necessarily needs to know that I'm at a golf outing. Like, I'll get back to you. Like, I'm allowed to do those things. But it's funny how certain people be like, oh, taking the day off. Must be nice to just golf during the day. Like, let alone, do they know I took some seven calls on the golf course. Right, Right. Which then all my teammates get super angry about. So there's that. But I. Right. It isn't. Like, again, it goes back to. People have to remember that, like, we all have a life to live. We all have things to do, and we might be out of the country. We might be on a golf course. Like, but I can guarantee you we've probably already taken care of it or we handed it off to someone that was going to take care of us for that. And if you just roll with the punches and be like, oh, yep, they're going to be gone, but, you know, so and so is taking care of it. I'm sure it won't be an issue. Move on. Yeah. Live along. Don't drag me down. So live along your day. Don't drag me down with it. So I think that goes along with, like, where we're at in the current real estate craziness, if you will. And I actually was telling Ben the other day that I enjoy, like, the Master Mastermind type of Facebook groups because there can really be some good conversations in there. People can. But, like, the last two weeks has completely changed, and people are, like, horrible to one another. And you're right. Like, they're forgetting that this is about the buyer and the seller. It's not about, like, return that agent's phone call or how dare you not tell them how much you're offering? Like, where are we going? Like, this is craziness. I just can't believe how much time and effort people are spending on tearing each other down. Where, like, what I've told my office. It's, you know, things change in, like, a day. And I was like, right. Like, we have to lead from the front and we have to educate. Like, people are going to be angry. I110 understand that. But our best course Moving forward is just being educator. Like, we might not understand why they're doing it. They might not understand there's no sense and demeaning someone or anything. So, I mean, my advice is just like, again, we're all humans. Don't know what that looks like. If we help each other, try to educate one another, same thing in the transaction will go a lot smoother. Absolutely. So end of the day, check your emotions, good or bad, right? Just make sure that you're. You're conscious of it. Celebrate the good, right? Roll with the punches. You already said that. But it is an emotional toll, no matter what which way you want to look at it and no matter if it's transactional co op, deal with another agent and, or. And dealing with your whole personal life on top of whatever else is going on too. So sometimes it can be overwhelming. But we're human and we're allowed to have those emotions and there's nothing wrong with it. And surrounding yourself with good people will help. Cheers to that. We'll leave that on. On, on that good note there. So. All right, thank you guys for tuning in today. Please go like and subscribe and we hope that you tune in again. If. You've enjoyed today's episode, please, like, subscribe and share with others. Stay connected. For more genuine insights and strategies to boost your real estate career on Facebook or check out our website. We'll see you next time.